Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
