I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
