I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
