i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
