some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
