so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
