yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
