can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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