Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
