Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
