Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The beer is more important than you right now.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
