either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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