I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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