You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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