I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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