Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
