my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
