sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
