I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
