how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
