I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
