I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
