the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize