Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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