dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
