I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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