Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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