Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
