I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
