I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
