i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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