I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he thought i was a dude.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
