So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
