She is in my trunk
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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