why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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