Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
