I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
