i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
