i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize