turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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