i was rollin on her like bob the builder
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
