Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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