If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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