Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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