Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
