I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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