Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
