Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
