I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
