what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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