Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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