we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
