So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He shit in the fireplace
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
