He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She told me I should be a condom model.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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