If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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