A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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