my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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